• It's dawn at Melrose Place! That means it's time for mail delivery! Apparently, the L.A. Post Office is staffed by roosters, since Increasingly Vapid Violet receives... her severance check? No! A summons to appear in court for resisting attempts to emote.
• Riley and Jonah stalk around their humongous kitchen during breakfast, their deflector shields at full strength. Riley asks, "Where are we, Jonah?" You're on my TV screen, dammit. Now make room for Detective Smarmy, who enters the courtyard with the Untouchables and announces they're here to arrest Auggie Doggie: "His blood was found on the knife, along with a hefty dose of paprika!" I'm guessing Sydney's blood was found on the knife, too; otherwise, it's a very flimsy case....
• Boss Coop (He of the Pink Desktop) is heading to the Big Apple, so he needs his only employee, Ella, to handle his lunch meeting -- at Coal, of course! -- with the agency's Latest Fake Celebrity, Franz Kepler, "German wünderkind filmmaker" and Klaus Maria Brandauer wannabe. (Okay, fine, Brandaeur is Austrian, not German, but you get this gist. And holy crap, Klaus got old!)
• Ella immediately blows her hypersonic dog whistle and summons Jonah, who had just finished berating Riley for her "He must be innocent, look at those pecs!" defense of Auggie. Ella admits that her knowledge of German cinema extends to "Sprockets," but Jonah is more than happy to ooze cinematic enthusiasm as Ella's "colleague."
• Michael gets a cell phone call from Violet. How do we know it's her? Because her name displays, which means he added her to his contacts! Really? If someone were blackmailing me, I wouldn't add her name to my contacts, or if I did, she would come up as "Creepy-Eyed She-Witch" with a creepy harpsichord ringtone.
• Random Character Shift Alert! Random Character Shift Alert! Dizzy David sneaks over to Michael's house and takes his young half-brother, Noah, out for a playdate. Since when did David show any positive interest in Michael's family? Letitia the maid thinks it's a bad idea. Me too. Start packing, Letitia!
  
• Lauren's late-night activities and lack of sleep are taking a toll. At the hospital, she repeatedly fails Michael's pop quizzes: "Question 1: The knee bone is connected to the...?" "Shoulder bone!" "Question 2: The most talented actor on the original Melrose Place was...?" "Andrew Shue!" "Question 3: You serve shrimp on...?" "The BAHR-bie! Crikey! I mean, oh crap!"
• Violet, wearing a black, shoulder-frilled dress that makes her appear bonier than usual, wants Michael to buy her a lawyer, or else she'll distribute their not-so-sexy video. (Michael has been making weekly blackmail payments.) I thought she wanted to punish Michael, not mooch off him.
• Franz Kepler is quite taken with Ella and is about to display his wienerschnitzel when Jonah has the, um, brilliant idea to say that he and Ella are engaged! They even share a nice kiss for good measure. After lunch, Franz is so "inspired" by the two of them that he's decided to make a romantic comedy: "There vill be a boootiful sky, vith der young lovers on the hill, ven suddenly they are attacked ... by a mime, who is soon devoured by red ants!!! It is magic!" Later, Ella propositions Jonah, "Maybe it's time you explored other options...?" "Um, a spot on Vampire Diaries?" "NO, you idiot! You, me, hotel, sex!" Jonah has an inexplicable epiphany: "I'm engaged. Riley is the extremely boring person that I want to be with."
• Michael, looking refreshingly cocky, turns the tables on Violet and says he knows the judge who will preside over her case. If she deletes the sex video, he'll be a sterling character reference. If NOT, she's goin' down! Violet, defeated WAY too easily, deletes the video from her phone. Wait a second -- from her phone?!? Are you trying to say that she doesn't have copies downloaded onto her computer? What's that? She doesn't have a computer? She could've bought one with the friggin' blackmail money!
• David takes Noah to a boardwalk amusement park. Noah climbs a whopping 3 feet up a fence and falls down. David is so upset that his scarf becomes undone. He rushes Noah to, yes, Lauren's hospital. And hey, Lauren works in the ER, too! Michael and his wife show up and tell David to stay away from Noah. Michael seems genuinely taken aback when David says he just wanted to get to know his little brother better. "Hmm, wow, David, you've never been scripted like that before. The producers clearly want to rehabilitate your character. Good luck with that. They tried it with me once or twice. Oh, and Letitia's been fired. Fortunately, Lou Dobbs quit this week, too, so she won't be hounded back to Mexico."
• Brace yourself for the hour's Most Thrilling Sequence: Riley IM's the missing Auggie! OOOH! Watch those letters fly across the screen!
• Later, disturbed by Auggie's dark messages -- "I've ruined my life. I beat up Marcello. And I've become addicted to Facebook." -- Riley ponders whether to tell the police that she knows where the Augmeister is hiding out. She tells Jonah, "I can't let this continue. He's reached Level 23 on Mafia Wars in two days." Jonah, now realizing that, gee, Riley is a sweet, emotional person, tells her that he trusts her. Riley calls up Detective Smarmy.
• Boss Coop compliments Ella on her successful schmooz with Franz. Burnish that resume, Victor Webster! He also tells Ella that she's got good taste in men. Whatever happened to Ella's bisexuality, by the way? Teased in the first episode, and ditched afterward.
• David, clearly moved by Michael's fatherly response to The Noah Incident and Lauren's help, says to Lauren, "You should know that little hobby of mine... it's over." "Hair sculpting?" "No, no, thievery!" "OH!" They kiss briefly, which freaks out Lauren a bit because ... um, let me see, because ... hmmm, kissing guys she doesn't like gives her a weird feeling about kissing guys she does like? Shouldn't that make her happier?
• And what's with the nice couch in the courtyard? Aren't they worried about rain? Smog? Bird poop? Oh, Lauren's accent slips! Take a drink!

Next week: The creepily botoxed Amanda enters! Psyched!

This article reposted with permission from  http://ken-of-ghastria.livejournal.com/120679.html#cutid1