• Riley tells Jonah that she's feeling guilty over lying to her schoolchildren about her week long case of the sniffles. I'll have to try that excuse at my job. "Hey, I have a bad head cold. There's a lot of snot -- I predict I'll be out the rest of the week. By the way, if you happen to see photos of me on a billboard one day, pay no attention to them. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along."
• Violet makes with the Creepy Bug Eyes when she sees Auggie and Riley chatting under the sparrows' nest. Odds on the sparrows' nest surviving the next hour? 50-to-1.
• I'd say that Ashlee Simpson's future acting career is bleak, since all she can do is stare creepily. Then again, Ann Curry is still on Today.
• Lauren marvels at how David had no scars or bruising from his beatdown last episode. Um, yeah, what about that? Just because another character comments on it doesn't excuse it! Does he have Wolverine-like regenerative powers? That would explain the immutable hair....
• If One-Name-Only Anton's campaign is going to be about "Real People in Real Jeans," then why are they doing the photo shoot at a beach? Nothing screams realism more than wearing tight jeans on a sandy beach, right? And oh yeah, Daphne Zuniga makes a completely obligatory appearance as original Melrosian Jo Reynolds. Last seen heading off to Bosnia with Dr. Love, Jo has abandoned her journalistic scruples to do soul-draining fashion photography. You can tell how this will end up.
• Speaking of soul-draining tasks, I wonder how Daphne Zuniga felt saying lines like, "I need hot! I need sexy! Keep the jeans, lose the top."
• Jonah visits the Paramount Pictures lot to get support for his film. (Based on the plot, he'd have better luck ">at Warner Brothers.) A superhot development executive, Kendra, loves his movie and wants to give it a big boost. "You remind me of my ex-boyfriend. He directed The Phantom with Billy Zane. Your movie can be just as successful!" She suggests they meet for drinks later that night to "work on the pitch." Jonah feels the urge to grab his bat.
• Jo gets fed up with Riley's reluctance to flaunt her boobage. "You're a real woman! With real feelings! Who wants that classroom or that guy who wears the Stupid Hat!" (Clearly, Jo attended the Bill Parcells School of Motivational Speaking.) Riley walks out. Ella, who again comes through in this episode (I guess the writers finally figured her out), futilely implores Riley to compromise to build a better future, just as Jonah has had to do at the many "Dora the Explorer" birthday parties he's photographed. Oooh, score one for Ella!
• Lauren takes up David's generous offer of a $20,000 loan -- but has second thoughts when she sees his table covered with blueprints, black gloves, and a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Breaking & Entering." She follows him to the site of his next daytime Beverly Hills break-in, where she finds that he's looted lots o' jewels. Oh sure, Lauren, you're too busy being a prostitute to go bridal gown-shopping with your pal Riley, but you CAN stalk Dizzy David!
• Ella confronts Jo over her nastiness toward Riley. Jo counters, "She won't be any good until she can tap into who she really is." Great, now she's channeling Pinhead from Hellraiser. Ella points out that Jo is really the one who stopped being who she is, ditching her scruples in order to make money. Score two for Dr. Phil...I mean, Ella!
• Riley reenters Melrose Place and receives comfort and tea from Auggie, which doesn't make Incredibly Vapid Violet happy. (We're supposed to tell this from the Creepy Eye Bulge + Frown.) In my favorite moment of the episode, Jonah returns a while later, practically tiptoeing around the Creepy Psycho Chick sitting poolside. Alas, to no avail. Worse still, Violet plants paranoid thoughts in his head about Riley and Auggie doing the doggie.
• Jonah challenges Auggie's true intentions toward Riley. When Jonah mentions that he knows the truth about what's been going on, Auggie idiotically misinterprets this and says, "Hey, SHE kissed me, not the other way around." This does not go over well.
• Jonah plays dumb (Difficulty Level 1) when he goes home a minute later, and he starts chugging champagne. Funny how Riley and Jonah like to crack open the champagne bottles whenever they want to "celebrate" something. Maybe this is why they're broke! Stick to beer! He cryptically gives Riley a chance to tell the "truth" about whether anything is going on with her and Auggie, but when she says nothing about the kiss -- only, you know, that little thing about being in love with Stupid Hat Guy -- Jonah takes a walk.
• David tells Lauren that she has no idea what it's like to make tough moral decisions, like which mansion to rob or which Omega watch to steal. She tearfully retorts -- in full Australian accent! Twice! David then hysterically portrays himself as a force for righteousness, since he only steals from white-collar criminals. Now hold on a second there, Batman! Lauren says she won't tell the cops, but in return for her silence and continued American accent, David must never steal again. Quick, Robin, to the Dizzymobile!
• Daphne Zuniga completes her meaningless appearance by returning to Melrose Place to say that Riley was right. Jo says, "I'm going to go to South America and expose the food shortage there before that bastard Bono comes and hogs all the publicity. Oh, by the way, Anton loves that last photo of you spitting at me. You're the new face of Anton Jeans. He's so excited he might give himself a last name."
• Yes, the sparrows' nest outside Riley and Jonah's apartment went splat. Ahhh, symbolism! And, of course, Jonah ends up meeting hot chick Kendra for drinks. So if Jonah is Billy, does this make Kendra the new Kristin Davis? Keep that girl away from the pool!

This week will feature an appearance by Daphne Zuniga reprising her role as Jo Reynolds!  Here are a couple of clips to wet your pallet.  Enjoy!

Heather Locklear has been spotted on the set of Melrose Place filming next months episode with her premier ont he 17th.

 This really makes me wish that I had a blue haired man to follow me around with an umbrella!  I guess it was required since it matches her sweats and ... are those blue Uggs?

• Wow, Increasingly Vapid Violet gets all over the place. She rummaged through Syd's place a couple of weeks ago and now she's digging through Auggie's pad. And boy, is Auggie ridiculously organized and neat! He even has a secret drawer labeled, "Stuff That Creepy Psycho Chicks Should Not See. Violet, This Means You." She finds a note that Syd wrote to Auggie, venting her anger on -- who else? -- Michael. Violet rolls her creepy eyes and hatches a plan of revenge against Michael using, um, Red Bull.
• Wendy the Pimp tells Lauren to join a bunch of her "best girls" on a yacht for a party. Once Lauren realizes that this could develop into an orgy (or worse, a Swingtown episode), Wendy said, "If you have versatility issues, I can find someone else." Lauren retorts, "I don't have versatility issues! I can do multiple accents! Ashlee Simpson... now THERE'S a girl with versatility issues. I mean, really, could she at least attempt a different expression?"
• Jonah (sans hat this week) is now photographing ... blue jeans? They're created by the Ambiguously Gay Fashion Designer, Anton P., the designer so cool he has only one letter in his last name. Apparently, Jonah also became broke between episodes. Note to Melrose Place writers: If Jonah turns to prostitution to clear his debts, I may have to send you a case of champagne ... before I fling myself off a bridge, that is.
• Ewww, Violet is trying to seduce Michael by thrusting her implants at him. I feel unclean. Michael casually rips up his new patient's insurance forms. Thus does healthcare reform take a massive leap forward!
• After he sees Riley, Anton P reaches into Melrosian past to pull out one of the nuttiest plot developments this year: "She's perfect for the face of my new campaign!" Ay yi yi! What campaign is that, Anton? Maybe "Indecision Jeans: Turn One Way ... Then the Other!"
• Ella didn't get to do much this week, aside from look mortified at all the attention that Riley gets and (this was funny) to accuse Riley of being selfish when she turns down the $10,000 modeling offer, stunting Ella's career growth. More oddly: Why the hell does Jonah go along with this? Isn't this the same company that just screwed him out of a big-time credit on the music video? Why does he think Riley will get a fair shake?
• On the yacht where the party/orgy is about to start, Lauren gets valuable information from one of Wendy's other gals. ("Wendy will match your 401k contributions up to 6 percent ... but her insurance won't cover gynecological exams or liposuction. Bitch.") And up the gangplank walks David! Lauren, in a panic, tells her new pal, "In a wildly improbable coincidence, my neighbor's greed and my prostitution have brought him and me to the same place. That's the second time in five weeks! What are the odds? I must flee!"
• Violet the new bartender gets Michael drunk at Coal, which leads to sex in the back of Michael's car. First, why is Michael parking his expensive car in the middle of a dark Los Angeles alleyway? I mean, nothing bad can possibly happen to his car there. Does Coal NOT have a friggin' parking lot?! That's much more surprising than the plot "twist" of Violet using her cell phone's crappy camera to record their sexcapade. Violet must have used a third arm to hold the camera steady. Or maybe her fake breasts have a prosthetic device.
• Don't know what's more revolting: Michael and Violet having sex or Jonah's pineapple-and-peanut-butter-ice-cream concoction.
• Back on the yacht, David commits a vile offense by NOT agreeing to steal something for the fence. This results in David getting pummeled by the fence's thugs, whose fists land about a foot short of his face. C'mon, guys. ">Batman had more realistic punches!
• Jonah fesses up to Riley that he's having money issues. "People are cutting back. They're taking photos themselves! They're even wearing their own stupid hats!" Riley says that they'll get through this: "We'll come up with a brilliant plan, together." Oh, dear god.
• Riley accepts the modeling offer and shows up for Anton P's campaign shoot. Um, Anton, about that "real person" look...? Riley is wearing what looks like Nancy Kovack's sexy tribal half-jacket from the "Mugatu" episode of Star Trek. Only with more pleather.
• Lauren checks out the battered and bruised David in the hospital. (Michael, of course, wants her to keep him informed because he's such a, ya know, caring dad.) David, feeling annoyingly sorry for himself, snarkily tells Lauren, "Not all of us can be aceing exams and saving lives like Lauren Yung." Oh, Lauren, just poke one of his broken ribs, would you please? The audience would thank you for it!
• Michael comes home to find his wife interviewing the ideal babysitter: Violet! Wow, it's Melrose Place meets Fatal Attraction meets The Hand That Rocks the Cradle! Can it really be this juicy? Alas, no. Violet tells Michael that she has no intention of being the babysitter (damn). She maliciously informs him that she's Syd's daughter, she has clearly inherited the blackmailing gene, and she's going to reveal the fuzzy footage of their back-seat sex to Michael's wife -- all to destroy Michael just as he (supposedly) destroyed Sydney. This is pretty cool, since there's no easy way to resolve it without one of the two characters getting kicked off the show!
• My bet? Look for Amanda to save Michael's skirt-chasing ass next month. Michael is too much fun. I'm not sure how, but I can see Violet getting the heave-ho by season's end. Well, oooookay, that's my wish, but still..

• Woo hoo, gratuitous underwear footage, one of two such shots this week! And dare you face the dreaded Shoe Closet Scene?!
• Lauren gives her roomie Ella a cupcake for her birthday. Does this reveal: a) Ella's disdain for ostentatious displays of affection (yeah, right); b) Lauren's lack of imagination, which could pose problems in her second career as angst-free hooker; or c) the shortage of good bakeries in Los Angeles? Choose!
• Auggie Doggie is still mad at Dazed David, and he tells Ella that her birthday celebration at (where else?) Coal is all set: "Marcello's in New York -- he had a fling with David Letterman a few years back, and he has to sign some dumb affidavit -- so I'll be able to get you whatever you want."
• Ella then gives an aggressive "take what you want" pep talk to the Increasingly Vapid Violet, which triggers...
• Flashback #1: Nick, Lacroix, and Janette enter a castle during the time of the Black Death and find... Ah, sorry, wrong flashback! It's Ella, looking very de-glamorized and using her wiles to prevent her vehicle from being towed: "My sister was in a horrible accident. She can't make decisions by herself -- she invested all her money in producing the Knight Rider remake and now she's BROKE! Oh boo hoooooo!" Syd, watching nearby, applauds Ella and says she sees potential in her, "...but first you need to find a sense of style."
• Oh crap, Jonah is preparing a birthday montage video for Ella ... and he's wearing the Damn Hat! He shows his buddy David some of his latest work: a virtual tour of a high-priced California mansion, complete with a huge frikkin' diamond-and-ruby necklace sitting on a dresser. "David, um, hey, could you NOT drool on my computer, dude?"
• Amazingly, the script gave dialogue to a couple of new people this week: 1) Kira, the bartender at Coal, of whom Increasingly Vapid Violet is jealous because ... um, she touched Auggie's arm, thus provoking the "Wide-Eyed Psycho" stare from Violet. 2) Wendy, the botoxed and in-need-of-dye madam whom Lauren met last week. She offers Lauren work, saying "The doctor angle is brilliant!" She has just one rule: "I make the appointments. If you miss an appointment, you're done. Oh, I used to have a second rule about testing all my prostitutes to find out whether they have AIDS or other diseases, but I run a business based on trust! Now relax while my Cathether Chair™ does its work..."
• Ella is questioned by the cops after Jane's anonymous tip. Apparently they have evidence that she was talking to a notorious PI shortly before Syd died ... at the time that Ella had claimed to be canoodling with David. Boss Coop later chastises her for letting cops who are not actually Chippendale's dancers into the building. (By the way, the show made a big deal this week of mentioning and displaying the agency's name, WPK, as though they just came up with it.) This triggers...
• Flashback #2: In 1932, Duncan MacLeod enters the Louvre and ... sorry, wrong flashback! Sydney complains to her up-and-coming protégé Ella that no one is showing up to buy paintings in her art gallery! When Ella gives her some glossy lip back, Syd bites, "Well, look who's grown out of her Uggs and into her Manolos!" Ouch. Actually, I hate lines like that. They sound so manufactured. I mean, it's like putting on a Nautica sportcoat when you could be wearing Brioni! Like, really!
• Riley, who apparently has no real friends outside the building (shocking!), asks Lauren to go bridal gown shopping with her. Lauren says, "Tomorrow afternoon, I'm yours." OK, who doesn't see where THIS plotline is going? Sheesh.
• Sure enough, the next day, Lauren's new client, Frank, wants her to dance for him during Gratituitous Underwear Shot #2. Lauren says she's a terrible dancer, but after encouragement from Frank, she starts getting into it. "Stop thinking about it," he says, "feel the music." What is this, Melrose Place or So You Think You Can Dance? And of course, Frank wants to use his extra option hour, negotiated for him by agent Scott Boras, so Lauren skips her shopping excursion with Riley.
• Flashback #3: Not much in this one, simply Sydney being Sydney and somehow arranging for Ella's platinum card to get maxed out, which is kind of a petty way to get back at Ella for telling David about Syd's relationship with Michael. Eh, weak retribution by Sydney's standards.
• Hey, that diamond-and-ruby necklace? It's been stolen! What a surprise! Hey, here's Ella -- trying to scope out David's present for her -- discovering it in David's apartment. Wow, didn't see THAT coming!
• At Ella's birthday party, Hat Boy Jonah gripes to Riley about the cops' interrogation of him. You know, with a murder in the pool and mysterious robberies being tied back to the residents, shouldn't the police just set up a poolside precinct?
• Ella excitedly opens up David's present: "Oh. A bracelet." She mentions the necklace that she saw in David's pad, which makes Jonah's ears flare like Dumbo's. Meanwhile, Violet sees a chance to swipe the bartending job by framing Kira for theft, which makes her eyes flare like ... well, in that goofy way they always do. Gee, I wonder what will happen?
• Jonah shares his suspicion of David with Riley, who poo-poohs him. Don't poo-pooh him! He was right about Violet, and he's right about David! Maybe Riley would take Jonah more seriously if he burned that Damn Hat.... Of course, David denies being a thief, but Jonah warns him -- after the trouble with Auggie -- that he's burning through friends. David looks thoughtful, which looks like David sulking, which looks like David drinking.
• Ella, wearing a dress that looks terrible on her because she is sporting the Bangladesh Busom of Nonexistence, has a tense chat with the private investigator that she met the night of Syd's death. Hmmm, who is this guy... oh, it's Lt. Corwin from Babylon 5! Crap, has it really been 10 years since that ended? Anyway, he and Ella trade accusations. She apparently hired him to break into Syd's place and retrieve Ella's private information, but now they each accuse the other of murdering Syd.
• Riley gives Lauren a hard time about her no-show. Lauren idiotically tries to play the guilt card by saying she was stuck helping sick people at the hospital. Riley counters, "I called the hospital. You weren't there." Oh snap!
• Hey, $700 are missing from the till ... and they happen to end up in bartender Kira's bag! Wow! And -- feh, I can't even feign enthusiasm. The writers horribly telegraph three characters' events (David, Lauren, Violet) and don't even pretend to come up with surprise twists. Verdict: LAME.
• The next day, Lauren and Riley make nice, just before Lauren gets a call from the Maybelline Madam that she "passed the test." Lauren says, "Oh, you mean the urine and blood test I never took?" "No, silly, the old Second Hour Option Test. Now hold still while the needle in the phone takes a blood sample..." Upstairs, Jonah apologizes to David; that necklace conveeeeeeniently turned up after another search of the mansion. David is magnanimous: "Let's play some basketball and I'll share the secret of how my hair stays in place like Yu-Gi-Oh's."
• The detective investigating Syd's death tells Ella, "We've spoken to the guy from Babylon 5. He says you killed Syd and are trying to frame him. He also says that he can get us an autographed 8x10 of Londo Mollari. If we can confirm his story, you can bet your Burberry you'll be arrested for murder." Oh, now even the L.A. cops are brand-name dropping!